Chase.

she walked through the back lanes, taking her own sweet time, knowing there was nothing and nobody waiting for her at the mall anyway. it wasn’t like she was important. it wasn’t like she had a date she had to get to. it wasn’t like anyone even knew where to place her, how to talk to her.

she was between worlds. between lives.

the cigarette she lit up was already burning her fingers where she held them at the tip; she took one last drag and squashed them beneath her kitten heels, letting the smoke out slowly. several guys sitting around wasting their lives away whistled at her as she walked past, trying to get to her destination. the friggin loo.

bursting through the back doors of the mall, she finally got to the nearest ladies room and nearly drowned herself, putting her face down at the sink, washing her face with the water flowing from the tap. she had been crying. her eyes were puffy and red, mascara smearing down her cheeks, lipstick stained. and she just noticed her crisp white shirt wasn’t buttoned at the top, revealing her black bra.

no big deal. it wasn’t like she had D-cup sized boobs. she was only a 32B with a flat stomach and a flat ass. flat all over. but she’d learned from the beginning that she should be thankful for her skinny frame and not wish she’d grow more assets – lots of girls starved themselves to drop five pounds.

so why was she so unhappy?

she stole a look at her phone which was silent, still, and stubborn. she locked herself into one of the cubicles, lowered the seat so she could sit down, lit up another cigarette. it wasn’t like she was addicted; she just smoked whenever she was upset. and lately she seemed to be upset a lot, automatically translating to two whole boxes a day.

which begs the question again – why the fuck was she so unhappy?

why did she get up in the morning wishing she could fall back asleep? she lived her life on autopilot, never enjoying what she does, never realizing her full potential. she couldn’t find words to explain why she was capable of breaking down at random places. she didn’t understand why she was so goddamn lonely. she wore her clothes and shoes, changed accessories, applied heavy make up like everything was her mask. she laughed at jokes that weren’t funny. she went to parties she didn’t want to attend.

in short – she lived a life that wasn’t hers.

she finished puffing on her pall mall cig, took a leak, and came out of the cubicle, straightening her clothes. why did she even bother? looking pretty didn’t make you happy. isn’t it time everyone realized that? being stick-thin didn’t make you happy, being decked out in designer clothes and bags didn’t make you happy, wearing two inches thick worth of M.A.C. make up didn’t make you happy.

it’s what’s inside that counts. it’s about being comfortable in your own skin. it’s about being able to walk straight and tall, shoulders rolled back and proud. it’s about standing up to what you believed in. it’s about loving yourself.

looking at herself in the mirror, she realized just how fresh-faced and determined she really looked like, after washing away all those gunks of foundation and blusher and eyeliner and mascara away. she looked so young, so pissed off, so defeated. she looked like someone who didn’t know what to do anymore.

i will be the answer at the end of the line
i will be there for you
while you take the time.

she didn’t know what to do anymore, period. she didn’t trust anyone, she didn’t trust herself. she built walls up around herself so she didn’t have to learn to love, to let go, to hear her own heart breaking. she pushed away everyone that mattered to her. she was her own best friend, her own enemy. she was sick of everything.

she wondered what would happen if she died today – when doctors cut her open, would they stop and scratch their heads, discovering that she was empty inside?

Bruise.

i saw I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry yesterday.

it was alright. not the funniest movie around. i guess if i was gay i would enjoy it more. but given the sucky circumstances i was facing, i just couldn’t get into the movie. sigh :(

so. the movie is about two firefighters who are the best of friends and have had each other’s back covered since forever. Larry Valentine (Kevin James) is a widower with two kids, a man who can’t seem to get over his wife’s death meanwhile Chuck Levine (Adam Sandler) is a playboy who can’t get enough of the ladies.

thing is, Larry needs someone he can trust to look after his two kids if he dies, someone who would be able to protect his savings and stuff, and he decides to rewrite his will, but it’s a long tedious process, so instead, the woman behind the desk tells him he’s better off getting married, so that all his assets would be transfered to his partner if he dies.

larry and chuck pretend to be gay, and goes up to niagara falls to get married in order to achieve domestic partner benefits. unfortunately, an official becomes suspicious of their arrangement and starts snooping around to confirm that they are really gay.

Chuck: What do you got?
Larry: Maxi Pads.
Chuck: What, do we have vaginas now? Put it back!

:) more quotes coming up when i feel like it.

Geometric Shapes.

i’m a lonely girl at heart. and i don’t know why i smile.

i can’t seem to explain why i’m capable of breaking down in the most random places, at any given time. i don’t even understand why there’s this longing ache in my heart; i shouldn’t ask for anything more. i don’t know why i put on my clothes, heels, eyeliner like they’re supposed to be some sort of protective mask from everyone around me.

there’s always going to be a wall built up surrounding me. and no matter how much i tell myself not to, i’ll always end up pushing away people i care about.

Charcoal and Coal.

i actually saw this about two weeks ago but never found the chance to review. anyway, The Brave One is a goooood movie. it is a strong movie. it is an interesting movie. it is a movie that will win a few Oscars, methinks.

Jodie Foster plays Erica Bain, a seemingly mild mannered woman working as a Deejay for a radio station, narrating street life in New York City. one night, while walking with her fiance, they are both brutally attacked by three thugs at the park. her fiance dies and she is traumatized, till the point where she can’t sleep and is too damn scared to even leave her apartment. erica becomes someone else to cope with her loss – she buys a gun and roams the street at night, determined to get her revenge on the thugs who gave her hell.

ladies and gentlemen, this is an extremely powerful, thought-provoking movie that will keep you rooted to your cramped up movie seats till after the credit is done rolling. it’s a moody, dark exploration of pain and revenge. with some pretty good movie soundtrack ;) sarah mclachlan is awesome :D

:)

but what Su Ann reaaaaaally recommends is what she saw yesterday at GSC, times square :) because Hairspray is funny, light and entertaining – even anil was laughing at some point of the movie, given that i had to practically beg him to watch the movie with me. this movie boasts almost an entire crew of famous stars – John Travolta, Michell Pfeiffer, Christopher Walken, Amanda Bynes, James Marsden, Queen Latifah and current Hollywood/Disney It Boy, Zac Efron.

i mean, hell just take a look at the movie poster.

Pleasantly plump Tracy Turnblad (Nicole Blonsky) with a good voice and great moves is obsessed with the Corny Collins Show. every day after school, she and her best friend Penny runs home to drool over hot Link Larkins, much to their mothers’ dismay. one day, a dancer on the show has to leave for nine months (like duh), and auditions are held to find a replacement. with help, tracy makes it on the show, pissing off Miss Hairspray Amber von Tussle and her mother, Velma, who is also manager of the show. Tracy decides it is not fair that Negro Day (the only day where black people are allowed to dance on the show) is only held once a month, and with help from others, she’s protesting to integrate the show.

Hairspray is pure entertainment, with all their tendency to break into songs and dance, plus they’ve got great costumes, hot actresses, and John Travolta in a woman suit ;) underneath it all, the movie touches lightly on the issues of racism and our society’s obsession with striving to be thin.

The third reincarnation of Hairspray works as both a buoyant feel-good musical and a broad, goofy and totally irresistible celebration of the ’60s. Su Ann likes!! :)

note to self:

next to catch – I Now Pronounce You Chuck And Larry, and Lust, Caution, director Ang Lee’s new movie after Brokeback Mountain. which i regret not watching :(

Bunny Shaped Paus.

happy 21st birthday lisa ng su mei :)

so anywaaaaay, my cousin got married tonight! and the bride is like, only 21 years old too, according to my fav uncle. that’s like lisa’s age wei o.O

this Cousin Who Got Married Tonight, i don’t really know him well. the first time i met him was like, a few years ago when my grandparents passed away; he’s the brother of the oldest grandchild. at the time when we first met them we were all like “who the FUCK is all this people??”

no kidding -___-

the wedding was held at Janbo Restauran; i’m not sure Jambo or Janbo but wtf it was kinda like a nice place anyway. something like the Tai Thong Restaurant opposite Leisure Mall. when we got there i realised, there was like our cousin’s wedding on ground floor, and then there was ANOTHER wedding going on on the first floor.

like what kinda place is this la, some wedding junkie hideout??

got seated around 7PM, and met up with pretty much all my relatives from my mom’s side of the family. my fav uncle and family sat down with us and he turned to look at me and he goes “so where are you working now?”

“uncle i’m not that old laaarh.”

he lauged and said i don’t look like i’m in college. well … yes true i’m not actually in college, i’m in high school but wtf who cares la. actually i’m a bit insulted. do i look like i aged thirty years since i last saw all these people?? :( quite heartbreaking, if you think about it.

anyway, food was only served about 9PM, by which time i had already made like my 29846365th trip to the bathroom cos i kept reaching for my hot chinese tea to drink cos it was sooo cold cos there was nothing to eat so takde process oxidisation of food equals heat energy wtf :D

bow in the presence of my genius now!!!

each table was served a whole 9 Course Meal :) but i felt really bad when they served us shark fin’s soup cos like did you know that sharks are left to drown in the sea after humans cut off their fins alive? that is such a tragedy man.

wedding ended after 11PM. on our way out i saw the groom hunched over on a chair, his face in his hands. i was like “omg lis he’s crying la.”

lis: he’s too emotional.
me: yeah he’s probably thinking like “shit from tonight onwards i’m gonna have to spend the rest of my life with this woman!!!”
lis: bye bye freedom!!!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH. god we’re mean. to be fair, the bride is kinda pretty :)

that’s what i wore for the dinner thing. it’s like bare-backed and apparently anil just told me you can see my boobs when i wear it. but it’s totally simple compared to what my cousins wore.

i mean, one of my cousins, she like wore this sleeveless black corset thing with like, this full black skirt thing, with like, this black super high heels and her hair was all piled up and professionally twisted on her head, and full make up and stuff. … man you know what, SHE looked like a bride wtf but i guess it’s excusable cos my cousins are all really hot -___-

ish, i suka weddings!!! :D

Champagne Glasses.

why the fuck does everyone wanna save me? i don’t need being saved. i don’t wanna be saved. i don’t wanna be shown how i should be living my own fucking life and i don’t wanna feel like i don’t have a choice in choosing my own life path.

i wanna make MY own decisions, i wanna fall down and learn to get up on MY own, i wanna do what i wanna do and i don’t care if it’s good or bad or wrong or right, because i wanna make MY own mistakes, and i wanna do the right stuff ONLY if it’s what i wanna do, not what everyone else wants me to do.

i don’t believe in fairytales, i don’t wanna search for happily-ever-afters, and i don’t wanna be saved, not by my royal family, not by my loyal companions, not by my prince charming.

Better Off?

IF i ever break up with my boyf (that is, IF. one big huge gigantic if) and i become available and be welcomed merrily into the singles world once more, and if (another big huge gigantic if) some guys ever develop interest in me and would like to have something more than a one night stand, as in, they actually want a real relationship, i would be downright straight-up, honest and upfront with them.

you know what i would tell them?

i would tell them that i suck as a girlfriend, and they can refer to my ex-es for proof to that statement.

i think all my ex-es can safely say that i am a better friend than a girlfriend. as a girlfriend, i don’t perform my duties, i am not caring enough, i am oblivious and ignorant, inconsiderate and vain. as a girlfriend, i am not patient, i am not as protective as other girls. (and apparently guys totally, like, DIG protectiveness. i didn’t know that.)

as a girlfriend, i am cold, sarcastic and apparently i don’t give enough hugs -___-

as a girlfriend, i am dishonest and i like to avoid big issues, instead i focus on smaller stuff and blow them out of proportion. and i never break up properly.

as a girlfriend, i repeat all my mistakes. and i don’t make sacrifices. as a girlfriend, i am not as assertive, not as understanding. i don’t act like a girlfriend. i can’t cook and i can’t clean and i can’t do anything the right girlfriend way. as a girlfriend, i am selfish and too self-absorbed.

i am just way better off being a guy’s friend.

that’s what every guy that’s ever been a part of my life would say.

i’m sorry i’m such an amateur girlfriend. i’m still learning. and i’m seriously trying. i know i’ve said it one too many times, but i swear it’s fucking true everytime.

Wronged.

I would love to give you everything,
every tone every tune
and I would fall if you wont stop pushing me more
You give me so much pleasure, too much pressure
and I felt so sad when
you still care asking me why?

See No Evil, Hear No Evil, Speak No Evil.

Heartsss.

Act 107 – Sunglasses.

Lala-fied Persona Take 1.

Lala-fied Persona Take 2.

Anger, Stupidity, Cry.

I would love to give you everything,
every tone every tune
and I would fall if you won’t stop loving me more.

The Last Goodnight.

this is the clock up on the wall, this is the story of us all. this is the first sound of a new born child before he starts to crawl. this is the war that’s never won, this is the soldier and his gun. this is the mother waiting by the phone praying for her son.

pictures of you, pictures of me hung up on your wall for the world to see. pictures of you, pictures of me remind us all of what we used to be.

there is a drug that cures it all blocked by the governmental wall. we are the scientists inside the lab just waiting for the call. this earthquake weather has got me shaking inside. i’m high up and dry.

confess to me every secret moment, every stolen promise you’ve believed. confess to me all that lies between us, all that lies between you and me.

we are the boxers in the ring, we are the bells that never sing. there is a title we cant win no matter how hard we must swing.

pictures of you, pictures of me remind us all of what we could have been.

i have never had the best relationship with my mother.

but it’s always been pretty passable.

i’ve overlooked the fact that i didn’t have the best childhood, the kind of love and attention other kids got. i didn’t mind being forced to grow up. i’ve been ready to drop the fact that i’ve never been able to turn to my family. and since nobody controls me in the family, i’ve always been free to run wild, always been able to do my own thing without anyone batting an eyelid.

things have actually been pretty damn good since last year. we’ve stopped pissing each other off. she started listening to me. we shopped for groceries together. i shared stuff about school with her. and we’ve stopped screaming. and she’s been pretty decent to my boyf.

like i said, i have never had the best relationship with my mother.

but it’s always been pretty passable.

well recently it’s getting passable to bad. BAD WORSE WORST.

all because she had a little talk and she heard stuff about me. and now she’s quoting little pieces of the conversation every chance she gets, every single fucking day.

>:(

all i can say is THANKS A WHOLE FUCKING LOT. i’ve worked towards maintaining a civil, normal relationship with my mother for fucking years, and she goes and have a little stupid talk and listened to other people and filled her head with bloody nonsense about me, and now we’re back at square one.

honestly i don’t know why i try. everything turns so fucking personal for everybloodyone.

thanks a lot for absolutely nothing.