Circular Walls

HAPPY 51st MERDEKA!

like it’s even worth celebrating. all everyone can talk about when anyone mentions ‘Malaysia’ is the current comical state of our country’s politics and the petrol hike and Anwar.

but whatever. i’m toasting to a good year ahead, seeing as i’m leaving school in less than ten weeks, and i’ll be getting my license at the end of the year (damn freaking right i’m getting it, there’s no what if! because then i’ll have to maybe, say, commit suicide), and hopefully enroll in a good college and start living life :) i’m also toasting to good maggi gorengs and ramly burgers, 7-11s, pavillion and de haven; miniskirts and high heels, all-year-long summer weather, chivas and vodka, sticks and stones, and old and new friends.

i was at a barbeque yesterday night, with a bunch of people i’ve never met in my life – skateboarders, people with multiple tattoos, girls who don’t ask stupid questions, guys who don’t try to fondle you, and two very cute black dogs. not to mention about eleven bottles and epsin and coke and F&N orange. ashtrays and iPod on speakers. BBQ-ed cocktails, leftover mashed potatoes, grilled lambs.

and i actually ended up having fun, while he dissappeared a few times, for very long periods.

here’s the thing, though: i don’t even know these people’s names, at the end of the BBQ. somehow introductions and names weren’t much of a priority :)

and on the way back, we ended up at triple 8 with muralli and ghana. HAHAHA the pseudo alter bridge frontman and my gossip girl bitch :) i am NOT hooking you up.

oh, shit.

i’m going off now :) family day. haha i know. what a rarity.

:) but a good rarity.

have fun guys.

Between The Cracks

i’ve been clean for more or less twenty four hours. won’t last long, i know, but whose fingers shall point at me now? i’m mostly tired and lethargic nowadays, and i feel like i should go vegetarian and try to rid my body of all the toxic of the past two weeks. or like, go to sleep.

it’s been ages since i stepped on the scale. god i hope i haven’t gained any weight cos i feel so. damn. fat.

maybe it’s the hormones talking. i hate pms :(

anyways,

I AM BROKE :( seriously, honest-to-God, cross-my-heart broke. i only have RM3 in my purse. … YES, THREE RINGGIT OHMIGAWD. what is wrong with me!! i spend money like water :(

sigh.

for seven whole days, i thought Alter Bridge was some underground indie malaysian rock band. shite OMFG ANIL DE SILVA so help me god, I AM GOING TO KILL YOU.

speaking of which, i heard secondhand serenade on hitz.fm the other day. their songs have been my only source of comfort four months back, and it felt so strange because i was singing along and then i realised, omg how did secondhand serenade end up on the radio?

i kind of sort of so fuckin hate it when good indie bands go mainstream :( look at how, well, crappy fall out boy and good charlotte turned out after they became famous. what’s next?

All These Lives

i’m not sure if consuming panadols with coke (on top of stupid potato wedges and some alcohol drinks) will kill me, but here i am and i’m alive :)

it’s turning out to be a pretty good week after all. or maybe it’s the after effects of playing Taboo all night and going to the toilet a million times and drinking a lot of coke chivas coke!, and laughing at stupid sex jokes and buying a whole packet of pads halfway (7-11, i owe you) and generally having fun.

yeah. i know. i guess people suprise you, after all.

and :( it looks like i’m never coming around to writing the reviews for all the movies i’ve watched. which is a lot. shite :( i really wanted to write them!

skipped school today. even if i did, i’d probably spend it sleeping in the st.john’s room. which is what i did yesterday. god i love knowing that i’m sleeping when everyone else is suffering studying say, bio and chem and add maths :P

kasturi tuition soon.

if i wasn’t late for yesterday’s kasturi replacement lessons (which i had to replace, because i was late for the wednesday’s lessons in the first place), i wouldn’t have to go today. and i seriously think i’m gonna be late today as well.

okay NO, NOTHING’S WRONG WITH ME!!! my life just runs about fifteen minutes late from everyone else’s.

shit i’m really gonna be late.

…

edit:

and she asked, “when will i be free?”

Comforters and Pillow Throws

it figures.

my connection have been dead for 24 hours, and when i finally come online, i suddenly suffer from writers’ block.

i lifted this from jillian’s blog :) i hope you don’t mind love! and yes, instead of doing surveys people actually tagged me to do (i’ve given up trying to keep up with tags), i’m doing the ones that nobody tags me for.

i know. it figures, right.

anyways.

Picture Meme :D

1. The age you’ll be on your next birthday:

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2. A place you’ll like to travel to:

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3. Your favourite place:

Kuala Lumpur, nightlife :)

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4. Your favourite food:

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5. Your favourite pet:

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6. Your favourite colour combination :

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7. Your favourite piece of clothing:

and miniskirts! but i couldn’t find a really hot picture so whatever. haha.

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8. Your all-time favourite song:

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9. Your favourite TV show:

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10. First name of your significant other/crush:

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11. The town in which you live in:

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12. Your screen/nickname:

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13. Your first job:

HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAH :P

yeah i was/am a maths tutor. but ofcourse how are you even supposed to have a picture of a math tutor? but okay. sigh.

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14. Your dream job/jobs:

Vogue Editor babyyy :(

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15. A bad habit you have (had?):

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16. Your worst fear:

OMFG GET THOSE SHIT AWAY FROM ME WTF :S

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17. The one thing you’d like to do before you die:

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18. The first thing you’ll buy if you get $1,000,000:

well not that car. but it’ll be red :P

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edit:

yes i promise. a proper update coming up soon. in the meantime, i need some serious sleep :(

Sleeping In

oh. my. god.

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HOW THE HELL CAN IT BE SUNDAY ALREADY???

i’m so freaking doomed :(

i don’t want to go to school tomorrow. i’ll just lie in bed until my mother physically drags me out. i hate school – i hate the teachers. i hate the students. i hate the cafeteria food. i hate the subjects. i hate the tables and chairs. i hate the labs. i hate the uniforms.

plus i have so much to blog about!

I WANT TO SIT HERE AND BLOG ABOUT WALL-E; ohmygawddd the best freaking movie this year i swear, the best pixar delivery ever and i heart so much <3 .. and i want to talk about the people i’ve met and friendships formed and i want to talk about what i’ve done all week and i want to post up lots of pictures and i want to write reviews and i want to write long-ass emo posts about all the drama that has been going on and and and. there’s just not enough time and there’s too many things to do.

:(

:(

:(

i don’t want today to end.

it’s been such a good week, despite everything.

sigh.

and i know tomorrow will be full of shit.

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my facebook profile :)

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and my pictures. and a middle finger.

why do people hate me? :(

Mendekap Penuh Harapan

since monday, i have not been sleeping adequately.

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okay fine. i haven’t been sleeping at all, basically. i’m averaging on two hours everyday. it’s not even insomnia. i’ve just been thinking too much and i have not been at home much for the past week and a lot of things are happening, that i kind of wish would just go away.

okay.

oh my god.

i just discovered the best fucking indonesian song ever, on his iPod.

and of course i’m gonna play it half to death :D

and yeah, maybe i’ll take a nap.

after i play it half to death.

Who’s Next?

today is thursday.

there’s been a lot of phone calls and late nights; questions and confrontations; some drinks, some sticks; a lot of fights and the process of coming clean and all the games that people play with each other, literally and metaphorically. hi, i’m Su Ann, the girl who got stabbed in the back, and i’m over caffeinated, improving in pool, and sleep deprived. courtesy of the pregnant ballerina, you know what don’t mix? chivas on rocks and sleeping pills and beers. potential death? no. but it’ll probably knock you out for a bit, and if you take too many pills, i’ll see you at the hospital where you shall have your stomach pumped out.

you know what mixes really well though? :) starbucks with mysterious substances and crazy wild random people and long heart to hearts and making a lot of random toasting; taking so-called jogs and having sucky nasi lemak at 7AM; changing plans for about at least 213897526 times; Lamb of God and Metallica and SOAD and having someone who truly likes the music that i do and would kill for my mp3 contents; maggi mee at 3 in the morning; playing hooky; losing your mind .. being someone else.

i could do without the stabbing in the back and the drama and the yelling and the resentment, though. and the unpaid bills; ohmygod the unpaid bills.

by the way, i’m never talking to you again.

so anyhow.

my bestest guy friend is back in town :) he’d probably help me say fuck off to a lot of dumbshits, make me see things in perspective, be totally supportive even if i screw up, tolerate all my sarcasm, and remind me that my exams are coming. best of all, he won’t ever try to tell me what to do or judge me.

:)

The Appeal

halted conversations and pregnant pauses; do i really have anything more to say to you? i always told myself i’d cross this bridge when i’ve reached it – in hindsight, i realise i’ve crossed the same goddamn bridge a million times before, and i’m still walking in circles. is it a sin not to want to talk about this over and over and over again, when the verdict comes out the same each and every time? is it a sin to stand up to what i believe in, is it a sin to have a fuckin opinion?

try to tell me what i shouldn’t do
you should know by now i won’t listen to you.

i’ve always wondered why certain people have to do everything right. perfectionists who won’t spend a minute doing something out of the ordinary; overcontrolling robots programmed to supervise everyone else. and i’m the kid running around trying to plug the switch that powers the bloody robots. oh god why am i so determined to rebel against the system.

i won’t comprimise, cos i’ll never know
i’m gonna close my eyes
i can’t watch the time go by.

searching for words inside my head; how will i know it’s worthy of eloquently describing this turmoil i’m experiencing inside? love is an optical illusion of bath bubbles – far away, they seem beautiful and breathy and free and colorful; close up, you have to be careful not to go too near before one of them explodes in your eyes.

i guess it’s high time i make a choice.

Fiction 101

she was late. so very, very late.

leaning back on her seat, she tried to catch her breath. the cab driver sitting in front of her smiled and attempted small talks, but her heart was pumping faster than average and she had butterflies in her stomach and her skin felt like it was being turned inside out and .. oh God is this what it feels like to be in love?

she wanted a smoke. she needed to take deep breaths and she needed to calm down. she also needed to get to the restaurant, at this very second.

hands shaking, she rummaged around in her handbag for her compact mirror. maybelline mascara? no. fags? no. eyeliner? no. where’s the effing mirror? ohmygawd where’s the effing mirror? … okay. she found it.

scrutinizing her face critically in the little mirror, she barely paid attention to her smoked eyes and meticulously applied blush. her clothes fit her to the last square inch of fabric, her hair had been blow dried, she was wearing killer heels. on the outside, she was perfection personified, cool, calm and collected.

but she learnt from an early age that, what you see is not necessarily what you get. peel off that exterior layer, and what you have is one big mess. she never quit wondering to herself: what happens when you give yourself to someone, wrapped like a gift, but when they opened you up, they discovered you were not quite what was expected, and yet they had to smile and say thank you all the same?

she looked outside her window. buildings and road signs and cars that sped fast, before she had a chance to fully light her eyes on them. is this supposed to be a sick metaphor for life? for things to past you by before you can start to have a hold on the things that may or may not matter to you?

without realising it, one single tear slipped down her cheeks. and then another. and another. the kind cab driver offered her tissues, but by then it was too late. after all, tissues can’t fix broken hearts. cuts on her inner arms. tissues can’t fix five years of dealing with bullshit.

and fuck, her make up was now ruined. and she looked like a monster. with a twist of irony, she chided herself, “isn’t it bad enough that he tells you you’re a bloody monster over and over again without you telling it to yourself as well?”

you see, love and hate – they’re flip sides of the same coin. the more you love someone, it would take the smallest things he does to send you spiralling off a cliff, it would be that easy to start resenting him for words he can’t possibly take back, things you can’t possibly undo, all the nights you were home alone crying your broken heart out.

what is a relationship without love? what is love without a soul? what’s a soul without a heart?

at that very moment, her cell starts beeping. it was her fiance. sighing, she pressed the end call button, switched off her cell, and prayed for a miracle.

as her taxi pulled up to her destination, she straightened out her little black dress, held her head up high, and walked inside, towards a man who could have been the one.

a man that wasn’t her fiance.

Knives

what about taking this empty cup
and filling it up with a little bit more of innocence?
i haven’t had enough;
it’s probably because when you’re young it’s okay to be easily ignored.

things are not going to be fine. i am not going to be fine.

don’t try to fix me.

i am so. bloody. monkeyballs. sick and tired of crap advice and brainless opinions and self-righteous behaviours. save it.

by the way i really fuggen hate oreos. i hate food. i hate spiders and snakes and scorpions. i hate my cell number. i hate romantic fairytales. i hate having to deal with bullshit day in day out.

i am under water, and if push comes to shove, perhaps i shall just let go of my breath once and for all.