i am often overcome by moments in which i realize how stupid people can be. how careless. how insensitive. one of my worse flaws is compulsive cruelty. but which is the lesser of two evils – compulsive cruelty, or planned cruelty? as non-typical Chinese as i have been raised, my parents – my mother especially – have taught me to keep dirty laundry wrapped up, not aired publicly for the world to see. and perhaps, when i was younger, i rebelled against this unwritten rule – but even so, all my blog posts, all of my tweets, everything i post on facebook – most of my entire life, has been and is shrouded in heavy veils of make-believe. i hint at things. i do not say them out loud. mostly because the more special, the more valuable things lose all sense of wonder once expressed out loud… but in all honesty:
because what is the point, really, of telling the world sordid details of one’s personal problems? do not fool yourself a manipulator of men. do not think yourself a thinker of the world. for fools.
this is a question of dignity, of pride.
this is where we differ.
…
i am hiding in my room. listening to people outside conduct repeated conversations in raising tones that go around in circles, effectively going nowhere. it is painful to learn that the things one love most about another turns out to be distorted, in the hands of reality. why are parents sometimes so unforgiving? why are children, on the other hand, sometimes so impatient? and then you have me.
what i really want to say is fuck off lahh, okay?
things like this can only happen to me.
