Half Of My Heart’s Got A Right Mind To Tell You I Can’t Keep Loving You

this depression phase i’m going through is burning a hole in my pocket.

let’s see. i’ve spent about rm100 on cabs the week before this; my trip to the hospital yesterday cost exactly rm216.55; i bought two eyeliners in the past three weeks for like, rm70; all the random, stupid purchases are slowly adding up to insane amounts of money — like scented hand sanitizer, m&ms, black pantyhose, bottles after bottles of 2 liter mineral water, rose hair bands, wtf?; and i just got back from forever 21, where i went completely crazy and parted ways with rm148 for a blue dress and a plain grey top. the moment i walked out of the store, i realized that i don’t even like the color blue! wtf!

this is all your fault.

facebook is getting on my nerves. all these photos; all these happy faces and intimate groups of which i no longer wish to be part of; they’re punching holes in my thinly veiled calm demeanor. i cannot look away.

honestly, all i wanna do now is just fucking shoot someone, anyone.

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A Patched Up Business

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paint a smile. or fake it. even force it, if need may arise. as i’ve been told over and over again, i’m pretty good at … presenting myself in the best light possible. okay, so here’s the bright side: i probably won’t get that job (i accept the fact that i am not nearly as tall or as thin or as pretty as the other 23 girls; so from now on i’ll start a new diet, and maybe get some plastic surgery yay :D FML), but at least that leaves me free for a new tattoo on friday. provided that benny isn’t too occupied.

:)

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Never Miss A Beat

everything is failing on me. it’s like all i do is cry these days. wake up, cry. fag, cry. shower, cry. and another round of crying before i go to sleep. i don’t eat anymore. i don’t think i can stand to have food in my system, on top of all the misery. and i am not kidding when i say i need to see a skin doctor, now. frankly, i just want to go home.

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I Don’t Need Love

so pretty, so smart.
such a waste of young heart.
don’t you see it’s wrong, can’t you get it right?
out of mind, out of sight.

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call on all your girls, don’t forget the boys
put a lid on all that noise!
i’m a satellite heart, lost in the dark.

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i’m spun out so far
you stop, i start
but i’ll be true to you.

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i hear you’re living out of state,
running in a whole new scene
you know,
i haven’t slept in weeks
you’re the only thing i see.

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i’m a satellite heart, lost in the dark
i’m spun out so far
you stop i start
but i’ll be true to you.

the best way i can try.

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The Ugly Aftermath

once upon a time, i fell in love. i fell hard, and i fell a long, long way down. to that end, i gave him my heart and my soul, my body and my mind. i promised him eternity and forever and always; i compromised and created time and carefully navigated my way through the ugly scenes of being in a relationship. we drew a map of future, we built a bridge of which to get from here to wherever it was we wanted to be five, ten, fifteen years from now. too late i realized the bridge was made of thorns and unsteady, rotting wood — which may not be steady enough to hold us both, and the weight of our combined pride and conviction and tenacity. and that in order to cross over, i would be leaving part of myself behind. too late i realized, i could not imagine being without him, and at the same time i could not imagine the opposite. too late i realized i was far too attached, and that to separate myself, i would be abandoning a vital part of myself with him. the heart.

i will be answer
at the end of the line.

in the burning of uncertainty
i will be your solid ground.
if it takes my whole life,
i won’t break
i won’t bend.

cast me gently
into water
for the night has been unkind.

once upon a time, i fell in love. in between then and now, i lost everything else that made me who i used to be; like peeling back layers after layers after layers only to find absolutely nothing left.

forgive me, for i cannot and will not do likewise in this case.

i will not, ever again.

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