Half Of My Heart’s Got A Right Mind To Tell You I Can’t Keep Loving You

this depression phase i’m going through is burning a hole in my pocket.

let’s see. i’ve spent about rm100 on cabs the week before this; my trip to the hospital yesterday cost exactly rm216.55; i bought two eyeliners in the past three weeks for like, rm70; all the random, stupid purchases are slowly adding up to insane amounts of money — like scented hand sanitizer, m&ms, black pantyhose, bottles after bottles of 2 liter mineral water, rose hair bands, wtf?; and i just got back from forever 21, where i went completely crazy and parted ways with rm148 for a blue dress and a plain grey top. the moment i walked out of the store, i realized that i don’t even like the color blue! wtf!

this is all your fault.

facebook is getting on my nerves. all these photos; all these happy faces and intimate groups of which i no longer wish to be part of; they’re punching holes in my thinly veiled calm demeanor. i cannot look away.

honestly, all i wanna do now is just fucking shoot someone, anyone.

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A Patched Up Business

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paint a smile. or fake it. even force it, if need may arise. as i’ve been told over and over again, i’m pretty good at … presenting myself in the best light possible. okay, so here’s the bright side: i probably won’t get that job (i accept the fact that i am not nearly as tall or as thin or as pretty as the other 23 girls; so from now on i’ll start a new diet, and maybe get some plastic surgery yay :D FML), but at least that leaves me free for a new tattoo on friday. provided that benny isn’t too occupied.

:)

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The One Who Won’t Care At All

“i’ll try!” she said as he walked away, “try not to lose you.” two vibrant hearts could change; nothing tears the being more than deception, unmasked fear. “i’ll be here waiting,” tested and secure. nothing hurts my world, just affects the ones around me. when sin’s deep in my blood, you’ll be the one to fall. “i wish i could be the one, the one who won’t care at all. but being the one on the stand, i know the way to go, no one’s guiding me. when time soaked with blood turns its back, i know it’s hard to fall. confided in me was your heart. i know it’s hurting you, but it’s killing me.” nothing will last in this life. our time is spent constructing, now you’re perfecting a world meant to sin. constrict your hands around me, squeeze till i cannot breathe; this air tastes dead inside me, contribute to our plague, break all your promises, tear down this steadfast wall, restraints are useless here, tasting salvation’s near.

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AS – Unholy Confessions

the saying goes, an eye for an eye. sticking true to the aforementioned principle, then, the scores are hardly even. not yet. not even by a long shot. are you happy now? are you? how inconvenient; i learned that even my bulletproof patience is no match for your inflexible tenacity. the mask is slipping, and with it, my control. and yes, it’s true; i just have to be so damn fucking perfect all the time. i play my part extremely well; are we all not actors on stage, when it comes down to it? however, having said that, the whole happy smiling party princess facade is just so … tiring. smiling is tiring. dancing is tiring. i honestly don’t think anyone else can do this any better.

my point is.

i am. so. fucking sick of this shit. sick.

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Happy 23rd Birthday, Boyf …

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with much love,

Su Ann.

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