Never Miss A Beat

everything is failing on me. it’s like all i do is cry these days. wake up, cry. fag, cry. shower, cry. and another round of crying before i go to sleep. i don’t eat anymore. i don’t think i can stand to have food in my system, on top of all the misery. and i am not kidding when i say i need to see a skin doctor, now. frankly, i just want to go home.

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I Don’t Need Love

so pretty, so smart.
such a waste of young heart.
don’t you see it’s wrong, can’t you get it right?
out of mind, out of sight.

…

call on all your girls, don’t forget the boys
put a lid on all that noise!
i’m a satellite heart, lost in the dark.

…

i’m spun out so far
you stop, i start
but i’ll be true to you.

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i hear you’re living out of state,
running in a whole new scene
you know,
i haven’t slept in weeks
you’re the only thing i see.

…

i’m a satellite heart, lost in the dark
i’m spun out so far
you stop i start
but i’ll be true to you.

the best way i can try.

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The Ugly Aftermath

once upon a time, i fell in love. i fell hard, and i fell a long, long way down. to that end, i gave him my heart and my soul, my body and my mind. i promised him eternity and forever and always; i compromised and created time and carefully navigated my way through the ugly scenes of being in a relationship. we drew a map of future, we built a bridge of which to get from here to wherever it was we wanted to be five, ten, fifteen years from now. too late i realized the bridge was made of thorns and unsteady, rotting wood — which may not be steady enough to hold us both, and the weight of our combined pride and conviction and tenacity. and that in order to cross over, i would be leaving part of myself behind. too late i realized, i could not imagine being without him, and at the same time i could not imagine the opposite. too late i realized i was far too attached, and that to separate myself, i would be abandoning a vital part of myself with him. the heart.

i will be answer
at the end of the line.

in the burning of uncertainty
i will be your solid ground.
if it takes my whole life,
i won’t break
i won’t bend.

cast me gently
into water
for the night has been unkind.

once upon a time, i fell in love. in between then and now, i lost everything else that made me who i used to be; like peeling back layers after layers after layers only to find absolutely nothing left.

forgive me, for i cannot and will not do likewise in this case.

i will not, ever again.

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Red-Streaked Crimes

she walked under the conviction of her own pride. loosely shackled chains trailed behind her — past drama, history at a glance, a metafuckingphor. nobody said it would be easy; but who said it was going to bruise?; did anyone tell her it would slap, hit her in the face?; nobody said it was bound to leave her breathless and bleeding and broken. a little bit of warning would have been nice. desperately, she tried flagging down a cab. at three in the morning, its absence was not unexpected. but did she want to go back there tonight? did she? the words, the harsh, harsh words rang in her mind. slut. dirty. disgusting. slut. each flashed red in front of her eyes, while the tears streamed down silently. she said the words out loud. tested it, weighed it on her tongue. not good. she felt his hand on her arm, pulling her back, pushing, pulling. they would mark tomorrow. she closed her eyes, and tried to find her happy place. stop. let go. was she waiting for someone to put her back in her place? put her together.

she walked. under the conviction of her own pride.

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I Am Torn Between …

killing you, or killing myself. is it possible to self explode from sheer frustration and raw disappointment? i am so close. too close. i don’t know if i’m just pissed off, or … just seriously hurt. i always knew you’d do it again. and i always knew you wouldn’t be sorry about it, after. it’s like. i don’t know. i really don’t know. i just need to get the fuck out of here.

:(

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