Meow

Fuck uni. I just want to give up on my super ambitions and be a cat.

Yes, that’s right.

A cat.

Meow.

 

Blind Sheep

It has been 10 days since I last updated this blog. More and more I find that I have nothing to express anymore. Is this part of growing up? Maybe my creativity has peaked. It happens. Some peak at 15, 16, and then it’s all downhill from there. My childhood dream was always, always to be a writer. I was naive. Now that I’m older, I don’t quite know what I want anymore. I’m channeling what little creative juices I have these days into clothes, fashion, styling. I cannot say I’m exceptionally good at it, but it makes me happy. The happiness is short-lived, but beggars can’t be choosers.

… Now, shall I discuss Bersih 3.0?

I feel differently this time around, compared to Bersih 1.0 and Bersih 2.0. I was so full of patriotic pride, the last two installations. I was so disgruntled, so self-righteous, zapping the unbelievers left right center. I love this country, I said to myself. We need a change. And yet today, something was missing. Here is my question this year: Do you know what you are really fighting for? The Bersih supporters and the ones who rally against it: DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE REALLY FIGHTING FOR? It’s an important question, you know. It’s a heavy question. Oh, sure, everyone’s on fire over the topic right now. My Facebook timeline and Twitter updates are flooded with anti-and-pro Bersih supporters. Some are really, really good at it too; some are really persuasive, full of righteous anger: “I love this country! We need to fight for our future! We need a better tomorrow, a better Malaysia for our children, our grandchildren!” Some of the anti-Bersih supporters are equally fired up, presenting their opinions peppered with words like “violence doesn’t solve  matters” “we need law reforms” and “freedom of speech is curbed for a reason.”

And then we have the really ignorant fools: “FUCKED UP! Because of Bersih 3.0, I couldn’t head out to Zouk last night! Because of all these fuckers protesting, there’s traffic jam everywhere! Now I can’t go out and do my shopping and watch The Avengers!”  and  “Fuck politics! It divides us all! Fuck it! Hate both sides equally!”  and  “Babi Najib! Fucking anjing policemen! Screw the government! Wanna have peaceful protest also cannot! I hate the government, I hate the police, I hate everything! No, I don’t need your comments about this!”  and  “All you Bersih supporters, I hope you go to hell! Padan muka kena teargas! Fucking violent assholes! Gov. take care of you all this while, still tak puas hati! Pergi mampus la! Nak bantah, nak protest, buat lahh kat ruman! Ambiga Ambabi!”

No wonder I’m so tired, from having to read all this shit.

Here is a simple rule we learned way back in kindergarten: If you have nothing nice to say, then don’t say it at all.

I love this country, you know. Really, I do. But for all you people who say things like “Bersih 3.0 has united more people than the 1Malaysia concept ever did,” are you blind? It’s not uniting us in any way. It’s driving us more and more apart. Yeah, sure, you’re connected in the crowd. You’re all walking together, braving the teargas, shouting out anti-BN slogans – but wait, wasn’t it supposed to be a peaceful protest with no political affiliations whatsoever? Then why the anti-BN attitude? Then why the pro-opposition rallying cries?

It’s easy to get swept up in the current. It’s easy to lose your head. Do you know what you are really fighting for? We all want a better future, a country we can all be proud of – but in the midst of all this we’re still picking on things like races, we’re calling each other derogatory terms like anjing and babi, the pro-gov blame everything on the opposition and the pro-opposition blame everything on the gov. Is this fair? I cannot help but wonder if some of the Bersih supporters I know walked during Bersih 3.0 today simply because it’s cool, it’s trendy to hate on the government; I know for sure that some of my associates hardly ever read the news but still call Najib a dog. You ask them about latest news and development, and they come up blank. They don’t know anything. My point is this: If you’re not informed, HOW CAN YOU MAKE A STAND? I’m not saying I support the government. I’m not saying I’m pro-opposition. But I believe it is important, it is vital to know and to understand both sides of the story before going around having baseless, heated debates with everyone else if they don’t support your own personal views.

Maybe I have no say in this – I’m 8 months shy of being able to vote, I have never attended any of the 3 Bersih walks, I’m not particularly into politics. But unlike a majority of people who are really, really fired up right now… I’m just kind of  disappointed, disheartened, and disgruntled.

Which is kind of sad, you know.

(My condolences go out to the ones who passed on today during the rally. Details are unclear and sketchy, but I’ve heard that three have died, and many more heavily injured. It is interesting to note that only the protest in KL was chaotic – other rally spots in Ipoh, etc. were conducted pretty smoothly with no outbreak of violence whatsoever. Who do we blame for this?)

#

I woke up at 4PM today.

Damnit!

 

ARGHHH

AIYO I DAMN STRESS LAH NOW. DAMN UNIVERSITY APPLICATIONS DRIVING ME UP THE WALL!!! SO MUCH SO THAT I HAD TO TAKE A SHOWER TWICE.

HOWWW!!!

T.T

 

#

an underlying current of… stiff competition.

my purpose in life is not to be a nice daughter, a nice friend, a nice whatever. screw that crap. i’m not nice. nice has got nothing to do with me. i may be affable, friendly, supportive – but i’m not nice. i don’t get this whole “nice” bullshit anyways. there’s got to be over 526,768 words in the world, and people choose to use the word “nice”.

which is a joke.

being nice is a joke.

part 2

“don’t go. i’ll eat you up; i love you so.”

so i’m not quite sure what the fuck’s going on.

but i quite want to just be alone.

 

your head is humming and it won’t go

look, ladies and gentlemen, i’m as judgmental as the next person, but i’m straight-up about it. i’m very vocal about a lot of things.

for example, i really like reading chick flicks. they’re kind of fun. for example, i’m a freaking grammar nazi. i may mispronounce (very few) certain words — fuck you, colonel kentucky — but i know my grammar and spelling and whatever. and i really detest people who confuse their and they’re. HOW. HOW THE. I CANNOT. for example, hello missy, leggings are not pants. don’t, okay? just. don’t. my best friends and i wholeheartedly agree on this. this is a very strict no, you cannot. for example, i shop at branded retail outlets AND at high street fashion malls like sg. wang. because style is beyond brands, although i will sell my left kidney for all of topshop, warehouse, zara, LV, marc jacobs and alexander mcqueen. my greatest source of irritation (not really, but you know) is people who shop EXCLUSIVELY at places at pavilion and starhill gallery, but still end up looking like shit in all of their branded snobbery.

for example, i don’t get it. what’s with this hipster thing? why. i generally don’t mind hipsters, as 60% of my college friends are all hipsters — what i fucking cannot stand is the fact that it’s actually “cool” to act “hipster” now. so now on top of putting up with real hipster types who are always so much more holier-than-thou and intolerable and smarter than i am, i have to also put up with fake hipster types, aka people who are so obviously “mainstream” but now suddenly listen to Skrillex after dubstep played on hitz.fm and 95.8, and think Foster the People is the shit. Foster the People WAS the shit, okay?! Foster the People was the shit, like, a year ago. THEN RADIO RUINED EVERYTHING.

and now hipsters are annoying in a very mainstream cool way!!!

my frustration stems from the fact that i don’t know if i’ve been a mini hipster all along and didn’t realize it until it became mainstream cool. identity crisis is not fun.

for example, i’m usually a very… erm, open-minded person when it comes to… erm, matters of romance. what I’m trying to say is, i’m perfectly cool with the concept of friends with benefits. it’s fucking amazing. and i like casual hook ups. it’s fucking amazing. 7 out of 10 times i’m out clubbing, i end up, erm, very friendly, with some nameless, faceless cute guy and at the end of the night we say okaybye! it’s fucking amazing. i don’t share these sordid details very often, but i honestly think it’s all harmless fun. BUT ONLY IF YOU’RE SINGLE. because if you’re in a serious relationship and you’re, erm, friendly with other people at some party or club or whatever, it means you’re CHEATING.

hey, don’t look at me. my karma level for these matters is at zero – i’m reasonably good at behaving myself when i’m in a relationship, but dude, singledom is an all-systems-go, fire-in-the-hole concept.

but my views for cheating is also a very, erm, flexible one. so i guess i don’t know.

okay what i’m really trying to say is that everyone is judgmental! even the chillest, most laidback person you know is silently judging you! and the beauty of this whole situation is that you can’t do shit about people judging you.

but what irks me the MOST is when people judge other people, DESPITE being at fault for the same flaws. like if a girl is a slut and goes around saying shit like, “omg [insert name]‘s such a slut”. or if you’re fat and you bitch about other people being fat. or if you’re a serial relationship cheater but spew bullshit about other people cheating.

that’s just fucked up.

[end of rant]

i miss my the beatles band t-shirt. and i just wanna say that imho, “hey jude” is their most boring track of all time. and that my fav. beatles song will forever remain LSD and If I Fell.

that is all.

Tet Tet Tet

so i’ve just spent hours stalking fashion blogs…

like what i usually do when i’m a combination of “AT HOME” and “LIFELESS” and “I’M JUST TOO DAMN FULL TO MOVE”. except, y’know, i don’t tell anyone. why? BECAUSE. because nothing screams out loser-ish more than a fashion wannabe…

i mean, hello, i’m a communications student, not a fashion design major. i don’t even own a fucking blogshop.

that’s why i’m always saying i’m watching skins or whatever instead.

but i was just wondering:

what would daddy & mom say if i told them i’d like to forget my diploma and enroll in pjcad’s fashion design course?

:(

they’d throw me out, wouldn’t they?

yeah, they would.

 

If I Hear Another Person Describing This New Haircut As ‘Babydoll’, ‘Cute’, or Similar Terms I Will Bazooka Everybody

So I cut my hair today.

I got bangs.

And it looked like maybe 50% nice for the first few couple of hours.

Until people started calling it ‘babydoll’, and ‘cute’, and ‘hantu’… yeah sorry but if Cute and me were the last two elements / people on earth I would NOT fornicate with that thing with a ten foot long pole. I’m not cute, okay. And now nothing in my wardrobe will match this haircut. Nothing. Because I’ve cruised by with the messy, IDGAF drugged-up rebellious rockstar look for the past like three years and now I’m suddenly

CUTE.

WHAT THE #@!$

okay.

Time to think positive.

Three Good Things About My New Bangs:

1. I won’t have to pluck my eyebrows for like the next six weeks at least, ‘cos it covers them completely.

2. It’s really somewhat high-fashion, except currently I look more like Bai Ling and less like Ming Xi or Fei Fei Sun. Google them please. I have no time to educate you on Chinese actresses and top models.

3. … I’m trying very hard to think of the third one but… no, sorry, can’t be done. I can’t even. I cannot.

oh come on

everything irks me today. everything. i’ve spent the better part of my weekend holed up in my room, which, you know, is preferable to hanging out with shit people at shit places talking about shit topics. have i always been this self-reliant, this snobbish?

yes, yes i have.

no, no i do not apologize.

everyone wears the same clothes and listens to the same music and goes to the same hip place. SHUT UP. you are worthless. i’m so sick of people talking about the same damn thing. everyday, the same damn thing.

fuck, even writing this is a waste of my time.