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Franz Ferdinand – The Dark of The Matinee

Su Ann — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 11:32:00 +0000

I time every journey to bump into you
Accidentally, I
Charm you and tell you:
Of the boys I hate, all the girls I hate, all the words I hate, all the clothes I hate, how I’ll never be anything I hate.

You smile, mention something that you like
How you’d have a happy life…
if you did the things you like.

I couldn’t stand wallowing in my own uselessness today (a first), feeling so old at 20 and so unaccomplished compared to so many others my age (this I ask you, at what age did limmayzhee self-publish her first book? at what age did kinkybluefairy launch tongueinchic? so there, we are all fucking unaccomplished, okay?) - so I went for a run. … Well, it wasn’t so much a run, seeing as I didn’t even bother to change from my slouch-in-bed attire of a Star Wars Tee and electric blue Cotton On PE shorts; all I did was add on a red Ferrari cap, earphones and Converse sneakers. I didn’t even wear socks, and I regret it now.

So – I ran. Or I jogged, whatever.

You know how people say they do their best thinking while running, or in the shower, or during self-exile meditation hours and what nots? I was quite hoping that some flash of brilliance might strike me, as I pounded the streets of my neighborhood repeatedly while listening to Eye of the Tiger, adrenaline coursing through my veins, sweat dripping down my back…

And I’ve decided.

That in the event of a zombie apocalypse, I would most definitely be among the first to die on account of how I have no bloody stamina. At all.

T.T

THIS ENDS NOW!!!

I “ran” for about 30 minutes (I counted), before crawling back home in all of my defeated, sweat and blood glory. And then I flopped at the feet of my front door like a fish out of water for 10 minutes, before regaining enough energy to untie my own shoelaces. BAH!!! I shall be a weakling no more!!!

Have thus come to terms with the fact that I should work out more often.

I definitely do not want to die in the hands of ugly zombies.

…

And also that I will finally pluck out the courage to do something very, very scary tomorrow. And that if I don’t try, I will never know. And that I’m the only one who gives a shit about my own ambitions, aspirations and dreams.

Wish me luck!

I Feel Like Fuck

Su Ann — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 18:01:53 +0000

that’s all.

tired lahh, with this shit. what for lahh, seriously?

i’m out.

I Fell In Love With A Girl

Su Ann — Sun, 29 Jan 2012 09:47:31 +0000

my horoscope for the week starting today goes something like, “if you don’t know what you want, there’s no point in taking a course of action. just sit back, download lots of Franz Ferdinand, Goyte and The White Stripes, and wait for events to unfold on their own.”

well, maybe it didn’t really mention the Franz Ferdinand, Goyte and The White Stripes part, but everything else seems quite accurate. do you believe in signs? i do, sort of. and i know horoscopes aren’t really true, but this seems pretty fitting to me.

you know, i’m not a fixer. oh, stop breaking hearts.

and i’m cold
yes i’m cold

but not as cold as you are
i love the sound of you walking away
you walking away

heading for a walk/jog/whatever.

buh-bye.

Thieves Like Us – Never Known Love

Su Ann — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 18:01:30 +0000

Here are some things I know for sure:

Vanilla over chocolate, anytime any day. Not all books, literature and movies make a person smarter. People who diss on Friends, How I Met Your Mother and Twilight do it just because they think it’d make them sound more cultured, but really they just come off as bitter. On the other hand, I find myself gravitating towards people who listen to really good alternative music – not just any alternative music. I really like fruits – fruits of any kind, bananas, cherries, lychees, rambutans, watermelons. I don’t trust energy bars; I mean, seriously, how do those stuff work and don’t they just make you fat or what? The colour black is forever appropriate – unless it’s CNY, then it’s REALLY inappropriate. My shoe size is 5, but sometimes, depending on local sizing, I can also be a 4 or 5.5. All I ever wanted to do was get accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. I MIGHT get accepted into Middlesex University and University of Sunderland – which will spark off more confusion and indecision. But if I don’t get accepted, I’d probably kill myself. My period is late – no, I’m not preggers (pfft, how could i be? i haven’t done it in ages), but I do think I can blame this on either my excema medication, stress, thyroid disease or menopause. I’m dying. I know it.

I really want a pair of Jeffrey Campbell. If I ever have kids, I’m going to pull an Amy Chua on them. Drugs is bad for health. And how are cigarettes still legal? People who insist on posting up 9gag graphics piss the hell out of me. In fact, people who discuss 9gag sometimes piss the hell out of me. Enough with the sandwich references! Up until about a few days ago, Eclipse was my favorite Twilight movie – now I’m kind of thinking Breaking Dawn Part 1 was probably better. I really sometimes wish I was born in the 1960s; I could have achieved so much – now in 2012, there isn’t anything that hasn’t been attempted, invented and tried. Cars bore me. When boys tell you they love you, what they mean is they like you. When guys tell you they love you, what they mean is get in my bed. Andy Warhol is a genius.

Lastly:

Coca-Cola is delicious… and yes, I can always tell Coca-Cola and Pepsi apart. If you love someone, you should always let them know. Maggi Mee Hot Cup Curry Flavor is the best instant food ever. Ever. Girls who drive stick (aka manual) should, IMHO, be worshiped as contemporary gods. Coughmecough. You know, I have guy friends who can’t drive stick at all. Shame on all of you! Random: I’m not the kind of fool who’s gonna sit and sing to you about stars, girl. But what fool spends the whole night being stuck on a puzzle? I have a pathological fear of the ocean. I’m sorry, I just don’t want to die by drowning.

End note:

I’m made of better, stronger things than this. The cliche goes: everything will be okay in the end. if it’s not okay, it’s not the end. And it’s true. Because what it really means is this: it’s not over until it’s fucking over. We lose sight of the bigger pictures sometimes, obsessing over tiny people – but the truth is, I’m going to figure everything out, and I’m going to go the distance for the things I want to do and the places I want to go.

I may not be the person to say this, but I think everyone should just figure their shit out.

Up Close We Stumble Backwards

Su Ann — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 16:06:16 +0000

there is a certain comfort to be found in the corners of a bookstore – more specifically, the Popular in Leisure Mall. while these days i prefer to frequent Borders, Kinokuniya or MPH (in that order), that particular Popular branch has struck a chord with me. when i was much younger, my family would go clothes shopping or grocery shopping or run errands, and Popular would babysit me for hours at a stretch. i read anything and everything (although i suppose back then, my anything and everything was Doraemon comics, Enid Blyton novels and the Sweet Valley books – oh! Elizabeth and Jessica Wakefield, how i miss you so). i have always been a reader. this is interesting, because none of my family members read that much – not my parents, or my sisters, or my relatives. in fact, they don’t read that much at all. i mean, my love for Shakespeare originated partly from my dad, who reads stuff like To Kill A Mockingbird and really fascinating old Chinese autobiographies – but that’s about it.

on the other hand, i devour everything that comes my way.

my love for reading stems from the fact that i suffer from Middle Child Syndrome (i’m telling you, it actually exists) – i’m not one of those people who reminisce about their childhood, simply because i didn’t have all that awesome a childhood. sandwiched between a “smarter elder sister” and a newborn baby sister, i became bitter at the age of five. can you believe it? i don’t quite understand why people miss being kids, anyway – what do you even remember of it? well, anyhow, i’m sure i didn’t make things any easier for my family – i was such an angry, closed-off, overcompetitive child. i was years more mature than kids my own age. maybe because i was so independent so young, i escaped into books instead.

people who read the things i write say i have a real talent; at the very least, they tell me i should never give up writing.

i don’t know about the talent thing; but i’m thinking that my reading probably has something to do with that. writing isn’t just writing, you know. i think most people picture writers just sitting down with a paper and a pen, or a laptop, chain-smoking cigarettes and having coffee-stained teeth – and that the words just flow. no. sometimes the words don’t just flow. i think i’ve been suffering from writer’s block for about three years now. writing is an acquired talent – some writers i know are born with a talent for storytelling (at the end of it, writing is really just 90% storytelling), while others work at it. that’s why there are schools, universities for creative writing, journalism students. writing, to me, is about style. it’s about experience. it’s about connecting with other people, through words. it’s a creative process; it takes a lot out of a good writer.

blogging, on the other hand. blogging is different.

… look at how i digress.

so, i spent a large part of my day being alone. i drove over to the mall without even bothering with a shower, walked around aimlessly for about half an hour, and then all of a sudden i found myself in the fiction racks of Popular. the thing that irks me the most about Popular is that their books are mostly wrapped – which i suppose is nice for buyers to know that their books are brand spanking new – but then again, who buys books without reading the first few pages beforehand? as it happens, i unearthed an unwrapped Jodi Picoult’s latest delivery, ‘Sing You Home’. i then promptly sat down on the floor, leaned back against the rack, and started reading. i sat there for two whole hours, enough to read half the book – about 200 pages. at some point i just decided i didn’t want to finish the book after all, and that it wasn’t really fair anyways to read for free – and that it was time to return to real life, away from Max and Zoe’s infertility issues that were driving their marriage apart, Max’s relapse into alcoholism, and Zoe and Vanessa’s budding lesbian relationship.

the thing about books – the characters always have so much crap going for them. in comparison, my current troubles are really nothing at all.

i left Popular today, feeling if not happier, then much calmer.

i walked in the rain towards my car. i took the slowest drive home. and then i joined my mother and sister for dinner with some of our relatives.

it’s funny how some things work out and some things don’t – but i guess at the end of the day, i have much less to complain about than Max, Zoe and Vanessa.

how are you feeling today?

#

Su Ann — Fri, 27 Jan 2012 11:12:37 +0000

i am often overcome by moments in which i realize how stupid people can be. how careless. how insensitive. one of my worse flaws is compulsive cruelty. but which is the lesser of two evils – compulsive cruelty, or planned cruelty? as non-typical Chinese as i have been raised, my parents – my mother especially – have taught me to keep dirty laundry wrapped up, not aired publicly for the world to see. and perhaps, when i was younger, i rebelled against this unwritten rule – but even so, all my blog posts, all of my tweets, everything i post on facebook – most of my entire life, has been and is shrouded in heavy veils of make-believe. i hint at things. i do not say them out loud. mostly because the more special, the more valuable things lose all sense of wonder once expressed out loud… but in all honesty:

because what is the point, really, of telling the world sordid details of one’s personal problems? do not fool yourself a manipulator of men. do not think yourself a thinker of the world. for fools.

this is a question of dignity, of pride.

this is where we differ.

…

i am hiding in my room. listening to people outside conduct repeated conversations in raising tones that go around in circles, effectively going nowhere. it is painful to learn that the things one love most about another turns out to be distorted, in the hands of reality. why are parents sometimes so unforgiving? why are children, on the other hand, sometimes so impatient? and then you have me.

what i really want to say is fuck off lahh, okay?

things like this can only happen to me.

#

Su Ann — Thu, 26 Jan 2012 18:19:21 +0000

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR!

Su Ann — Sun, 22 Jan 2012 18:30:01 +0000

Just got back from a long, long day/night of: some mini alterations, some Rolling Around In Bed, reunion dinner at my Uncle’s @ Ampang (where I dropped my blackberry and now it’s basically useless and my OCD is preventing me from enjoying myself whatsoever), a temple visit at Petaling Street (‘cos Thean Hou Temple was overcrowded according to live news so I DIDN’T GET MY FORTUNES READ AGAIN THIS YEAR , and then we spent four hours at my cousin’s place watching silly CNY shows, eating too much CNY cookies, gambling, drinking, whatever…

I’m actually quite tired lahh.

Can’t wait to head to LowYat on Wednesday and fix this damn BB or just get a new phone altogether.

Time for sleep! Driving back to Ipoh early tomorrow morning.

Goodnight everyone!

Quick Post: Before & After

Su Ann — Sat, 21 Jan 2012 16:28:12 +0000

So I spent three-and-a-half hours altering this:

Bershka Varsity Jacket, rm180?

into this:

WEE! I CROPPED IT! HAHA! SO MUCH WORK okay – had to slowly pick out the bottom stripe part using a needle, took me ages! And then to sew it back on… AGH!

but i’m so happy about the result so yeah. :P Always felt like it was too oversized for me, plus about 100 other people probably have the same damn exact jacket… NOW IT’S SO PRETTY AND PERFECT!

TA DA! Was out for dinner/shisha/gossip with the girls earlier and some random dude passed by with his gf and said “nice jacket!”

:’)

OKAY THAT’S ALL GOODNIGHT!

My Moon(s)

Su Ann — Fri, 20 Jan 2012 08:40:36 +0000

Is this is how it ends? I wake up at past 3PM, and discover that this world isn’t the same world I went to sleep in last night. There are some days when I wish people would take my sadness at face value.

Go to sleep, girl.

Go to sleep.

And maybe when you wake up, you’d understand this world with two moons better.